There’s nothing standing in our way
If I love you and you love me
There’s nothing standing in our way
‘Cause all the hardships that come our way
Won’t be too hard for us to face
If we both put our hearts in it
Instead of thinking with our heads
We’ll make it work, through love and faith
There’s nothing standing in our way.

   As you can imagine, the laziest time of my life was probably my teenage years so it is no wonder that a lot of things from my teenage years wound up there. This ranged from boxes and boxes of photos which I had meant to ‘artistically catalogue’ to the odd shoebox I forgot to discard. And speaking of photos, did I take a lot of photos as a teenager!
    It seemed like everything needed to be captured and cherished! (Albeit, I didn’t do a very good job of cherishing!). It may just be my experience, but I don’t imagine it to : as a teenager, everything seems so dramatic. The photos screamed that these moments captured on film were special, although all we may really have been doing was grocerry shopping! I stumbled upon disturbingly dark poems stemming from anger which was irrational when scrutinized. And a superfluous amount of letters – both letters to myself and from myself. All of which, I must state, were brimming with emotion. 
   Of those letters, some involved good friends who are still good friends, others who have naturally drifted away and even some I strain to remember. It was funny to read such letters. Rather than feeling a sentimental nostalgia, I felt a strange distantness. I could not identify with the person I was. Each line I wrote, undoubtedly to communicate intense feelings of teenage devotion, produced laughter and ridicule in me now. It felt quite like a script from a cheesy soap – no wonder such shows appeal to that age group!
   But something makes me wonder – why don’t I feel emotions so intensely anymore? Does maturity come with a hardening of the heart? I mean, it’s only been a few years since I stopped being a teenager – how could I have changed so drastically? What really shocked me were those letters of a romantic nature – at that time it seemed so real – whatever I was feeling, whether it was love or infatuation – I seemed genuinely and decidedly entrenched in it. And yet, fast forward a couple of years, and I’m wondering who exactly Eric* is?

   Perhaps it has nothing to do with a hardening of the heart. Perhaps, typifying a teenager, I dramatized what I really felt. I used words that exagerated rather than described. That would certainly ease my mind with respect to those angry poems!  
   And perhaps, maturity dictates that we don’t do such things. While exagerating is usually harmless, it can deeply hurt, especially when one has exagerated one’s devotion. Perhaps maturity teaches us that it’s better to tell the story as it is, however bland and unromantic it may sound. For it’s better for one to know what you mean, than for one to like what you say. And perhaps the clearest thing maturity tells us is this: it’s not that big a deal if you don’t get your way. It certainly doesn’t warrant an angry poem!  

* No real names were used in this post.

Sympthoms include pain along the vein especially when leg is at rest, increased skin temperature along the vein, redening, swelling, slight fever and the increased prominence of the vein in the skin. With the exception of the fever, I’ve had all – so I guess it was a fairly easy diagnosis! What the doc couldn’t tell me was what causes it and what can cure it! All he could do was prescribe me painkillers, oh, and added the comment “This condition is more common in the elderly.”

Great. I’m aging prematurely.

And so, not at all satisfied by his explanation, I googled phlebitis.  Unfortunately - the doc was right. There is no certain cause of phlebitis, and they’ve yet to find anything to cure it. There were some suggestions on relieving the pain though, among which included:

• Avoid bedrest for prolonged periods. It can make sympthoms worse.
• Exercise regularly to increase bloodflow.

HA HA HA. If you even have an inkling about my love for sleep, you’ll know why I find this so hilarious. Is this my body’s way of telling me I’m too much of a bum, and I should stop sleeping so much?

And speaking of relieiving sympthoms… after already a day of medication, I have lost faith in ibuprofen as a painkiller. If anything, the pain has grown, and made its way well past my ankle and into other parts of my feet! I feel like such an invalid! I feel so old!

And I am sadly disappointed with the advancement of medical science. Pffttt.

Perhaps for most of us today, it seems rather distant, surreal… maybe even complete utter nonsense. Some might say it was just a backward mentality – a way Man tried to comprehend nature before he understood it. “It’s like magnets. At first, they seem like pretty freaky stuff – but when you understand the electromagnetics to it, you realize it’s just science!”

Perhaps. I don’t know. Maybe those village bomohs (Malaysian witch-doctors) are just doing some fancy chemical reactions which produce some very exciting and amusing results. But whatever it is, they produce results.

I know for a fact that these things happen because my mother grew up in such a culture. My grandmother, you could say, was one who relied on superstitions to get through life, before she turned to Christ. And I’m not talking about trivial matters such as not walking under a ladder. I’m talking about ‘placing’ pearls into your tongue so that whatever you say sounds sweet to the listener, ‘placing’ gold leaves through your skin so that many would see you as beautiful, and having a jin (genie) look after the house to ensure no burglars dare come near. I know, as a kid, my mum didn’t entertain any such talk from me, and kept a close watch on the games I played with friends.

But can you blame her? This was the world she was raised up in. Sometimes when I talk about these stuff, people laugh – but this is how it comes accross to me… it’s like someone from a warm country saying “there’s no such thing as snow” simply because they’ve never seen it.

Although I’ve never had any personal encounters with such stuff (Thank God!), I do know individuals who have. I have a very good friend whose mum was possessed by a spirit. I have a friend who used to see the toys in a certain room move around on its own. I have an ‘uncle’ who had a curse placed on him which nearly put him to death, until some Thai priests found a doll with pins burried under his house - and of course, I have the countless stories of my mother’s childhood. That is just to name a few.

The real world of ‘superstition’ or ‘supernatural’, however you like to put it, is nothing like the books of Harry Potter. They’re scary and you can feel the eerie sense of evil in it. I’m pretty glad my generation has done away with it. Well, most have, anyway.

The other day at church, the sermon was on Luke 11:14-24, where Jesus heals a man with an unclean spirit. My pastor had asked a pastor from Africa why we don’t see so much of ‘this kinda thing’ in the west – and the answer was something along the lines of “people are drawn away from God by materialism, instead.”

Which made me think of Materialism in a very different way. It may not look as scary and godless as witchcraft – but perhaps that makes it scarier? Being caught up in such a materialistic hedonistic world, that you don’t even know you’re living an illusion, and going further and further from the truth, moving gradually, but definitely, away from God. Perhaps it acts as a blindfold, a lie to tell you “This is the life. This is what you’re meant to do - chase your dreams and make yourself god of your life. There is no God – you are god.”

Or perhaps the lie we’re fed is “God will understand. God wants you to be happy, doesn’t he? God wants you to chase your dreams.”

It is strange that such comments seem rather unfounded. Where do we get the evidence that “God will understand – God wants you to chase your dreams.” Isn’t it a way of consoling, or perhaps convincing ourselves that what we want is what’s important, and God is onboard with it. It seems rather a way to justify our actions so that our conscience is clear. And then it seems almost similar to witchcraft – just another means of doing things so that we get what we want, isn’t it? It’s almost the same as putting curses on your enemies and charms on your favourites, but just in a different way.

Well, to be fair, Qian hasn’t been the only one who has complained. I only have a handful of faithful blog-readers, but the handful is indeed faithful.

In a sense, the excuse I’ve been putting up is this: I haven’t had time. But that’s a lie. Ok, perhaps a partial-lie. I do have enough time to blog more frequently, but I definitely have less time than I used to. The real reason is that, strangely enough, I have become a more private person in the last 2-3 years or so.

I know. I can just hear the chorus of voices attacking me, lead undoubtedly by Swen. “You’ve always been private, but you still managed to blog.“

So what is it that has changed? I don’t quite know myself; but I know that I am uncomfortable publishing online for the world to see the thoughts in my head that I think are worthy to be “penned-down”. Even if it is very unlikely that anyone else besides my handful of faithful blog-readers view my page. So I have more personal means of communication: like emails or when possible, actually meeting up!

I remember Peter telling me to shut down my blog if I wasn’t going to write anymore. I thought about that, and in the process, I viewed some of my older pages. Some made me cringe in embarrassment, some made me exclaim in awe “Wow, did I write that?? That is quite impressive!” (hey – once in a while, we’re allowed to blow our own trumpet!) and some made me think “Strange that I once thought that.”

Going through my pages, I realized it was an online record of how I have changed – sometimes quite gradually, sometimes dramatically. And I guess it serves me more than anyone else, a reminder of how weird and silly I was, and how far I have come, and in some areas, how much I have degraded! So I can’t possibly shut it down! But to you guys who have faithfully (well..perhaps not so of late??  lol) read it, I want to apologize. I am very grateful to the unexpected emails/msn msgs/texts or the occasional stab, to tell me to update my blog – but if the current trend prevails, I think I will only blog less and less.

But… there are still times, when I do have something to say that I’m not uncomfortable with the world knowing about! So..well..uhhh…what I’m trying to say is, don’t abandon my blog just yet!!!!

Ku telah mencabar hantuku

Berdepan ngan syaitanku

Ku akhirnya aman ngan silapku

Ku nampak kau jumpa kekuatan dalam saat lemahmu

Sekian lama hatiku kini tenang

Ku terlalu lama sengsara

Lemas dalam kesal hidupku

Ku teruskan…

Ku kenal tempatni

Ku cam semua muka

Setiap satu lain

Tapi semua sama juga

Mereka bukan sengaja melukaku

Tapi sudah tiba masa ku terimanya

Mereka takkan percaya ku akan berubah

Dan ku tak pernah fikir kampungku akan jadi tempat ku tak dipunyai

Ku teruskan…

Ku teruskan

Akhirnya ku nampak

Hidup dengan sabarnya menantiku

Dan ku tahu

Tiada pastinya

Tapi ku tak keseorangan dalam ni

Tiba masanya dalam hidup setiap orang

Semua yang dilihat hanyalah tahun yang berlari

Dan ku kini sudah buat keputusan

Bahawa hari-hari sebegitu sudah tamat

Ku telah jual apa yang boleh

Dan yang tidak ku bawa

Ku henti sebentar sebelum berlepas

Ku telah cinta bagai patut

Tapi hidup yang tak patut

Ku gadaikan semua untuk memahami

Mungkin akan ku jumpa kemaafan
Dalam selok ni pula

Ku teruskan…

Ku teruskan…

“For much of the modern scientific era following Copernicus, Galileo and Newton, belief in general reverted to the idea of a universe infinite in both age and extent. Thereafter, from the middle of the nineteenth century, this view began to come under increasing pressure, to the point that it has completely lost its domination. For belief in a beginning is once again the majority view of contemporary scientists. Evidence from the red-shift in the light from distant galaxies, the cosmic microwave background and thermodynamics has led scientists to formulate the so-called standard ‘Big Bang’ model of the universe.

..Stephen Hawking adopts a similar view: ‘Many people do not like the idea that time has a beginning probably because it smacks of divine intervention.’

One such was Sir Arthur Eddington (1882-1944), who reacted as follows: ‘Philosophically, the notion of a beginning of the present order of Nature is repugnant… I should like to find a genuine loophole.’  That repugnance was shared by others. In the mid-twentieth century, for example, Gold, Bondi, Hoyle and Narlikar advanced a series of steady-state theories in which it was argued that the universe had always existed, and that matter was continuously being created in order to keep the density of the admittedly expanding universe uniform. The creation rate they needed was incredibly slow – one atom per cubic metre in ten billion years. This meant, incidentally, that there was no real possibility of testing the theory by observation.

…It is rather ironical that in the sixteenth century some people resisted advances in science because they seemed to threaten belief in God; whereas in the twentieth century scientific ideas of a beginning have been resisted because they threatened to increase the plausibility of belief in God.”

And speaking of Hoyle who contributed to those steady-state theories… :

“For life to exist on earth an abundant supply of carbon is needed. Carbon is formed either by combining three helium nuclei, or combining nuclei of helium and beryllium. Eminent mathematician and astronomer, Sir Fred Hoyle, found that for this to happen, the nuclear ground state energy levels have to be fine-tuned with respect to each other. This phenomenon is called ‘resonance’. If the variation were more than 1 percent either way, the universe could not sustain life. Hoyle later confessed that nothing had shaken his atheism as much as this discovery. Even this degree of fine-tuning was enough to persuade him that is looked as if ‘a superintellect has monkeyed with physics as well as with chemistry and biology’, and that ‘there are no blind forces in nature worth talking about.”

 Yesterday Malaysia saw the dawn of a new era – for the first time since the country’s independance in 1957, Malaysia’s rulling party, Barisan Nasional, no longer has a 2/3rd majority in parliament. Barisan Nasional (BN) is a coalition of 3 racially-based political parties : UMNO (representing Malays), MCA ( representing Chinese) and MIC (representing Indians).

While the country has, undoubtedly, benefitted much from this coalition – there have been certain issues that the government seems to have consistently neglected to address, in particular corruption, racial discrimination and increasing crime rates.  

I know many Malaysians do blame Abdullah Badawi (Malaysia’s PM) or Pak Lah as us Malaysians call him, for the rise in crime and corruption – but honestly, I think Pak Lah has been a really good PM. Of course, who am I to judge – when I’ve only seen 2 PMs in power during my entire lifetime! But even so, I personally think that Pak Lah did make the government more transparent – although little was done to curb the apparent corruption. I also think, under Pak Lah, the rakyat (the people) were given more freedom of speech – to voice out their opinions, in public, without having to worry what the consequences were. I still remember even in secondary school – it was such a taboo thing to speak about the racism in the country - it was like an unspoken rule.

 And now – as the HINDRAF has evidently shown, it is alright to protest publicly against racial discrimination! (HINDRAF was a protest by about 10 000 Indians who claimed that the government was doing little to represent the minority Indians in Malaysia.) It is no surprise that Samy Vellu, president of MIC and Minister of Works has lost his seat in parliament. Honestly, after the whole HINDRAF incident – and the cumulative criticism of his work (or rather, lack of it) – I’m actually surprised he didn’t see it coming.

Among the other big names that lost their seats in yesterday’s elections were Minister for Women Datuk Shahrizat Abdul Jalil and Penang’s ex-Chief Minister Dr Koh Tsu Koon. It is surprising that long-time minister Shahrizat lost to Anwar Ibrahim’s 27-year-old daughter, Nurul Izzah Anwar – not only because Shahrizat has played such an immense role in Malaysian politics, but also because Anwar Ibrahim’s party, PKR, managed to only claim 1 seat in the last elections in 2004. 

So the opposition has won about 38% of the parliament seats – a huge contrast to BN’s landslide victory in 2004. (BN won about 92% of the parliament seats in the last elections.) This is indeed revolutionary, and I can only explain this with the 700 000 newly registered voters for this year. I guess Malaysians have become less apathetic, and it is exciting and inspiring the kind of change we can make when we actually try!

I remember having a conversation with a fellow Malaysian 2 years ago. He also is studying in the UK – and had confided in me that it is unlikely that he will return to Malaysia. Upon inquiring why, he explained that “There are so many things that are not right with the government.”

At this point, I went into my usual defensive-Malaysian mode and claimed that he was a prototype Malaysian problem. Apathetic. Instead of trying to make a difference, we turn our back on our nation. And that is inded a huge problem Malaysia faces. The people who can make a difference choose not to, and the people who cannot suffer. I know, somewhere along the conversation I also mentioned that change will take time, and it might take even 10 years – but if nobody steps up to doing something, the country will only degrade further.

And now, when I think of that summer night, it seems almost surreal. Two years ago – and any change seemed so distant. And today, change is at our doorstep.

It will be interesting to know who the new government will comprise. I hope that this change will indeed be significant – and not just a false hope for something better.

It’s honestly heartbreaking.

I guess the recent turn of events has made me realize the crossroad that I am at. I’ve had 2 wonderful years in London, no doubt mainly due to the wonderful friends I have made. I am a strong believer that anyplace can work for you as long as you have a strong circle of friends/family to support you. Not mere acquaintances or the word we use now – “hi bye friends” , but real, close friends whom you can share all sorts of intimate secrets. It’s easy to find a group of acquaintances you can just chill with – but deeper relationships are harder to come by. And that’s what makes a place work. As I’m approaching my 3rd year, I realize that many of the friends I have will only be around for another year. And after that … what will happen?

As one would expect with this metropolitan city, making friends in London opens your life to a miriad of people from all types of countries. Even the few intimate friends I have don’t all come from the same nation. I have, no doubt, made some great Malaysian friends – Alina, Suelynn, Qamra, probably the entire MNite Committee …lol. But I’ve also met Pakistani Abeera, British Vanee, ‘Hongkie’ Hoiga, Kenyan Peter, Norwegian-British Aleks, Rose who claims to be from ‘the World’ (having lived in so many different parts of our planet..), the six Singaporeans, the semi-dutch Kelly …oh the list can go on. After our time in London is up – what is to happen? Are we to be scattered accross the four corners of the earth – keeping in touch via emails and blogs?

And blogs. I guess some may consider blogging a great way to stay in contact, but I tend to wonder if this cyberworld has ironically left us less connected. People used to write personal letters to each other – and now we rely on mere bloggings. Blogs are a convenient way of keeping in touch, I guess. But I’ve never been a fan of blogs that simply let you know the life-cycle of someone. Because… Hmm…where do I begin.

There is only so much contact you can have from constantly hearing someone talk about their life. Imagine an old friend who keeps telling you day after day what they’ve been doing – never asking you for any input. That is probably what most blogs are – except in writing. Blogs give you the convenience of being kept up-to-date, but you can hardly categorize it as ‘interaction’. It’s hard to enjoy looking at photos and random descriptions of events that you did not participate in – particularly if there are many, many events. And how much can a friendship ‘grow’ from just hearing about random updates?

Conversation and interaction. That’s what’s needed to keep a friendship alive. Our ancestors kept in touch by corresponding in written letters – albeit quite a slow process, but there was interaction. In this day and age, we seem to be even too busy to reply a short email!

But I’m getting further and further from my point. The point was that after these academic years I have in London, only God knows what is to happen with the friendships I’ve built whilst there. I wish I could imagine that I would take the extra effort to actively interact with the ones that matter – but judging by my feeble attempts at keeping in touch with my Malaysian friends whilst in London, I am dubious.

And this I have come to terms with. I’ve prepared myself that friendships come and go, and I am happy to have them while they are there, but I am ready to let go of the past, if need be. Holland did teach me this, at least. But what I did not count on was losing the support group I had back home.

I guess it was ignorant of me to think that the circle of friends I had at home would remain unchanged throughout the years. Well, I did anticipate the personality change induced by time, but I was, and am not, ready for my little ringlet of friends to pack up and leave. I know you guys love Australia, England, America – but I don’t care, come back! If I can’t count on the friends I have back home – what would keep me in Malaysia ? I might as well pack up and leave as well.

Only that I love this country so much. Not just the people – but the way of life, the weather, the feeling of home. The way I can walk out in nothing but a tee and shorts, and not shiver to death. The fact that I can get food (and good food, that too!) any hour of the night. The language we speak – which is fused with so many foreign words, you couldn’t really put it down to English, Malay or what nots. The intonations and expected exagerations we use to tell a story.

 And besides, you know that Malaysia would benefit much more from your talents. Malaysia needs you guys – come back! There is so much you can do for this country – and don’t give me that whole crap about “I’ve lost faith that any change can be brought upon this country.” If you just think back about how different Malaysia was 5 years ago and can honestly say that change has not been abundant in this country, I can safely say that you must live in a bubble.

*Selina pouts at all her friends leaving Malaysia*

Yes, that’s right. It’s a horse. Or rather, a bodiless horse. I was quietly minding my own business, lost in the musical world of my iPod when I noticed one of the passengers asking me a question. Naturally, I removed my earphones only to find that he was asking me if I liked his (and his friends’, it seemed) little toy. Being the courteous person that I am, lol, I politely replied “Yes”.

I was then introduced to “Brian”, the pink little creature as seen above. This was followed by a series of irrelevant questions – interpersed with Spanish chit-chat and laughter. Then, just as the train pulled into Totenham Court Road Station – these four lads handed me Brian, saying something along the lines of it being their present to me. (I can’t quite remember – I think I was still in doubtful shock.)

But I do remember one of them saying “It is like a son to us, look after him!”

Hehe. Tourists in London can be quite amusing – when they aren’t slowing you down by stopping abruptly right in the middle of nowhere or even worse, walking ohhhhhhh soooo freakinnnn slowly!

But I have to say, I am weary of this gift. It just seems like those 4 boys were looking for an opportunity to get rid of it to an unsuspecting stranger! I was thinking of leaving it on the train – but the other passengers had clearly witnessed the entire ’giving-ceremony’. (There was laughter!) It has a tesco tag on it though - so at least it isn’t stolen … or at least, I hope so! I think I shall give it a wash and then decide if I should throw it out …